Tag Archives: rambles

Courage

I’m not brave. I mean, it’s pretty obvious. I was that weird, quiet girl hiding behind a book growing up and I’m still that weird, quiet woman. Nothing has really changed. Maybe I’m better at hiding my inner weirdo, but she’s still totally there.

Anyway, there’s this popular little bit of self-help/stoic advice. What’s the worst that could happen and how bad could it really be? For a lot of men, the answer is, I lose my business and things are hard and weird for a while. But for women, the answer is: some man kills me or stalks me or sends me rape and death threats.

And it’s not like this is clear out of left field. It’s not like this is something that hasn’t happened. Women are killed and raped by men all the time.

And the last thing I’d like to do is bring this sort of craziness down on my family.

I know this is very unlikely. But this is one more stumbling block in my way. I can’t not think about this. But I can think about it and work through it and have some contingency plans.

Anyway, this is the thought I’ve been playing with lately. I’m working through my feelings about it and how to deal with it. And I think once I’ve either decided the risk is low enough, I’ll move forward.

I wonder how many of these stumbling blocks are of my own creation? I suppose I’ll find out as I cross them off.

Pupdate

Now that the dogs are feeling better and have figured out what to do with their tongues— Brigadoon especially. “I have no teeth. How do I hold this damn thing in my mouth now?!”— they’re doing their normal dog things. They’re still on pain meds, but they’re seeming super normal and happy again.

Now that they’re feeling normal, I’m feeling better.

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sleepy dogs in sunshine

Now just waiting for my productivity to catch up again 🙂

On Triggers, part 2

Donald Trump speaks the same way my abuser did. Braggadocious, misogynistic, pathological lying. 

After the rough time I’ve had after seeing Carmen, I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t prepared to feel so scared again. I wasn’t prepared for someone like that to represent me. And my God, it’s happened. 

There’s so much everywhere about this. So, I won’t add much more. But, I don’t know how to make my world better. I don’t know how to make the world better for my little girl. I’m just… I’m just rocking my sadness hangover still. 

I’m hoping my flight or fight response is going to settle down soon and we can get back to real life. We can get back to living and growing, not going backwards. 

I’m totally drunk and don’t feel like writing blog posts while crying. The sun will come up again tomorrow and we’ll figure it out. I’m just hoping I stop feeling so scared soon. And I should probably stop drinking so much too. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyway. Life goes on. And I figure Rome survived Caligula, so we can survive Trump, right?

I’m Home!

And totally jet lagged. I fell asleep at eight and woke up at ten and now I’m AWAKE (it’s just past one now).

But, I didn’t take my laptop with me, so I’ve been checking all my stuff that I couldn’t check on the iPad. Thought I might as well say hello here too!

Some quick thoughts:
* Japan is rad
* The vending machines in Japan are rad
* International travel with an almost-4-year-old is fun and scary at the same time
* Jet-lag is pretty crap
* Taco rice was an enormous let down
* Calpis soda and Bikkle are amazing tasty drinks. I hope to find some here local.
* Once my jet-lag gets better, the first thing I want to do is write
* The pendulum swing between toddlers kicking/shaking/smacking each other and death by hugging is amazingly short
* If you fall asleep listening to Hamilton on the airplane, without a doubt, you will wake up just in time to hear him dying and then you’ll be sad and confused and jet-lagged and you won’t be able to fall sleep again
* Home is pretty goddamn fantastic 💗💗

Impostor!

Sometimes I think the Dunning-Kruger effect and Impostor Syndrome are two sides of the same spectrum.

I’ve been reading lots of romance stuff all over the place and sometimes I’m certain my writing is better than what I just read. Like, significantly better. But the truth is,  I just don’t know any better.

Then, sometimes I’m certain I’m the crappiest writer that ever picked up a quill, or a pen, or picked at a keyboard and I can’t even call myself a writer. It’s all so goddamn fake I can’t even stand it.

If I could just find my Golden Mean between the two. Or if you prefer Buddhist philosophy, the Middle Way. (Have I mentioned I have a philosophy degree? It pops up in the most absurd places sometimes in my daily life. I can’t recommend a philosophy degree enough. Interesting and fun to play with.)

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Heh, or maybe me thinking that the Dunning-Kruger Effect is at play is Impostor Syndrome making me doubt myself. That I do know what good writing is and I can write well and it’s only my self-doubt making me question it?

In any case, it’s a fun sandbox to play in. And hopefully, I’ll find my Golden Mean sometime soon.

Back on the Horse

That migraine knocked me out and off schedule. I’ve been having a hell of a time getting my shit back together.

It’s hard to maintain. It’s hard to find the motivation to wear so many hats. And maybe that’s just being whiny. I’ve always had some executive function issues. I had a hell of a time in high school. I’d always put things off until the very last minute. Same for college. The fact I was even able to put Just for Kicks up for sale is something of a miracle. It still surprises me sometimes.

So, trying to figure out how to make my brain work for me, not just get into its weird little ant trails, has been an ongoing challenge. Making rules has helped a lot. When I made the rule, I wake up early to write, I’ve woken up around six almost every day. Actually getting out of bed and writing didn’t happen, but I was awake. And goofing around on Facebook and Instagram. All the productivity stuff I follow is all about that first half hour of the day. And I’ve been frittering it away on social media nothingness.

But, I was up early this morning. Six. Without an alarm. Just Bzzzt! and I was awake. And I wanted to go back to sleep, but I just haven’t been able to fall asleep asleep after waking up. Just this shitty dozing that does nothing but make me crabby. I  figured out how my new project is going to start and I have a first chapter. That’s a real big motivator. I’ve been perseverating on it and now that I have it, I’m feeling it.

I know writing is war of attrition. I saw a presentation by Kristen Lamb a while back. She said that of everyone who wants to write a book, only 5% will actually start. Of those 5%, only 5% will finish. Of them, only 5% will edit. And on and on. Same goes with blogging. All you can do is just keep doing it.

So here I am. I’m just going to keep on keeping on.

Thoughts on Pokemon Go:

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That’s right. I caught a Pokemon off my dog’s ass

My dogs love it. “OMG WE’RE WALKING FOREVER IN WEIRD PLACES LOOK AT ALL THIS NICE SHIT I CAN PEE ON OMG WE’RE STILL WALKING THIS IS AMAZING OKAY NOW CAN WE GO HOME AND LAY DOWN I’M TIRED AND SHIT!!!!”

It’s fun.

The servers are shit.

When I try to interact with the app after walking and swinging my arm with my phone in my hand, it freezes up and I have to close and restart.

 

Walking to catch Pokemon is terrible for my writing brain because I’m busy thinking about Pokemon and I’m not thinking about my WIP.

and finally, the Pokemon GPS messes with the fitbit GPS so my walks aren’t logged and it doesn’t count towards my days exercised.

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See! It’s working! And I’m halfwayish to my weight goal!

All in all, it’s a fun game and it’s a good way to get me out walking, especially when I’ve had a massive writing day (almost 7k words!) and I feel like being a lazy bastard. BUT I miss the time I spend with my dogs and I miss the time I spend with myself. In any case, it’s kind of fun to be part of the fun, new trendy thing.

I’ll do a proper update on my Donald Trump donation challenge in a day or two, but it’s going super well too.

It’s funny. All of the things I’ve been doing lately have been working in conjunction to get my brain real excited about writing. (well, except this pokemon nonsense). My food changes are working great with waking up early. Everything is just coming together so well.

I graduated in 99 and Weezer was so fun and cool and awesome. There’s one line from the Sweater song that pops in my head now and then. Right at the beginning, someone goes, “Life’s so rad.” Every now and then it pops into my head.

I gotta say, it’s nice for my brain to say, “Life’s so rad.” and not

In any case, I’ll be playing Pokemon when I need the extra nudge out the door and I’ll be dwelling in the jungle gym of my mind the rest of the time. Heh. Enough of my tangential chatter adventures. Time to face the day.