Tag Archives: parenting

Mean Mommy & Comfort Zones

My kid is at a “Try it to see if you like it!” class at the local immersion Spanish immersion preschool.

I thought I was going to get the tour before the class, but it’s after. So, I sat around for a while, then the kids split off to do crafts and activities and stuff. The teacher was all, “Well, you can stay or…” I was all, “Uhhhh…” I waited another minute, then I left. I hadn’t eaten lunch yet and blah blah blah.

So, I left my kid there without saying goodbye. I feel terrible about it. But she’s there with her peers and the women teaching the school are so nice. And I know it’s going to be a rough transition anyway. They said it was going to be a 2-4 month transition for her to be used to the class.

Anyway. I left her.

It’s so hard for her to be out of her comfort zone. And it’s hard for me to push her out of her comfort zone.

Which makes me think about comfort zones in general. This is what makes it so hard to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. We’re both playing the mommy role and the 4-year-old with strangers speaking another language role. No wonder we get so complacent.

So, I’m sitting here crying, feeling terrible, but I know this is good for her. Her little brain is so plastic, she’ll pick up another language really quick. And god knows she needs some playmates her own age. Kids she sees more frequently than once a week at Kindermusik. So. I know she needs this. But. Always that but.

I need to push myself out of these comfort zones. I have to start querying books. I have to revise these books until they’re ready for public consumption.

I know I left my kid in a safe place, with kind, competent teachers and I’m a bawling mess. Pushing myself to do more is going to be hard. But, I know, once she’s been there for a little while, she’s going to love it. I know once I’ve reached a new normal, I’m going to love it too. It might take some tears, it might take some exquisitely uncomfortable moments, but, I’m going to do it.

UPDATE:
She loved it. When I was talking to the director after, my kid was, “Sign me up!” I don’t know where she learned “sign me up!” but she said it and we did. She went back today and she was so superduper excited to go in.

I guess I don’t have any excuses anymore. Here’s to climbing over my own boundaries.

Back on the Horse

That migraine knocked me out and off schedule. I’ve been having a hell of a time getting my shit back together.

It’s hard to maintain. It’s hard to find the motivation to wear so many hats. And maybe that’s just being whiny. I’ve always had some executive function issues. I had a hell of a time in high school. I’d always put things off until the very last minute. Same for college. The fact I was even able to put Just for Kicks up for sale is something of a miracle. It still surprises me sometimes.

So, trying to figure out how to make my brain work for me, not just get into its weird little ant trails, has been an ongoing challenge. Making rules has helped a lot. When I made the rule, I wake up early to write, I’ve woken up around six almost every day. Actually getting out of bed and writing didn’t happen, but I was awake. And goofing around on Facebook and Instagram. All the productivity stuff I follow is all about that first half hour of the day. And I’ve been frittering it away on social media nothingness.

But, I was up early this morning. Six. Without an alarm. Just Bzzzt! and I was awake. And I wanted to go back to sleep, but I just haven’t been able to fall asleep asleep after waking up. Just this shitty dozing that does nothing but make me crabby. I  figured out how my new project is going to start and I have a first chapter. That’s a real big motivator. I’ve been perseverating on it and now that I have it, I’m feeling it.

I know writing is war of attrition. I saw a presentation by Kristen Lamb a while back. She said that of everyone who wants to write a book, only 5% will actually start. Of those 5%, only 5% will finish. Of them, only 5% will edit. And on and on. Same goes with blogging. All you can do is just keep doing it.

So here I am. I’m just going to keep on keeping on.

Best Laid Plans

I finally woke up at 5:30 this morning after struggling mightily for the last week and a half. I went to bed early last night, set two alarms, programmed the coffee maker, everything.

I sat down at my desk with a hot cuppa, ready to pick up where I left off and… creak. The Entropy Machine’s door opened and out she came dragging a blanket.

I told her as long as the music was playing, I was working. Now I’m trying to bust out this blog post while she plays jungle gym all over me. It’s pretty hard to argue with “Momma, I love you!” whispered with steamy little toddler breath in my ear. She and her dad are both warm people. I, unfortunately, am always cold. So this means all her little whispers in my ear fog the shit out of my head. 😀

Downside, my writing morning was interrupted. Upside, a squirmy little toddler is climbing on me demanding hugs. Can’t argue with that. 🙂 Time to feed the chaos.

It’s a start

Well, I’m up before my family and sitting at my writing desk. It isn’t the 5 or 5:30 I had originally planned, but I’m up and sitting here and my family is still all asleep.

I’ve never been the most graceful about waking up early, but I was working at a cafe and I had to be there at 5:30 in the morning. I came to love being awake so early, before the rest of the world. Of course, once I stopped, I went right back to “Wow! Nighttime is so goddamn cool!” And, I’ve taken a bunch of 7:30 classes too. I’ve done it before. I shouldn’t use all my excuses about it being too hard or too early or I’m too tired or whatever. Because I was waiting tables while I was taking a 7:30 chemistry class and did just fine at both. Of course, this was over a decade ago and I didn’t feel so old and creaky then. 😂

So. Here I am. I know I’ve said I’d do it before, but I never followed through. I might not have been up when I was planning, but here I am. I think I need to clean off my writing desk before I can get a whole lot done, but, I think I might just work in my dirty space for now. I can clean later when the Entropy Machine begins bouncing through the house.

Now, to catch up on The Embezzling Oma and see where I need to go and what needs to be written and what to do on it. Because… I think it’s been over a month since I’ve worked on it. It’s been sitting in the same place on my kitchen counter for two weeks. And I’ve been feeling the call, but honestly, by the time the Entropy Machine is down, I just am done. So totally done.

Anyway. I’ve been neglecting things that are important to me. Writing has always been something I have needed to do. I’ve needed an outlet for the thoughts bouncing around in my head, something for the extra cycles in my brain to work on. And instead of lessening my anxiety, it’s been increasing it because I have wanted to do it, I have wanted to sit down and let these ideas in my head come out and play and I didn’t have it in me.

I wonder if my diet and eating better made it easier for me to get up earlier? Maybe. Oh, that’s going great by the way. I’m feeling better, I wouldn’t say looking better yet, but I’m definitely feeling better and it’s easier and easier to make better choices.

Anyway. I knew I needed to get a quick blog post out, but I definitely need to get some scribbling done before the Entropy Machine wakes up.

Here’s to finding time for yourself. Here’s to finding it and doing it and making it happen.

Crash & Burn

I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo and I botched it. Horribly. I’d need to write 5k/day to hit the goal by the end of the month. If I was typing it, that would be possible, but by hand… no way. Actually, I don’t think it would be possible to do it typing either. The Entropy Machine is way too interactive to leave me alone to work in the day and I wouldn’t want to do that to her either, you know?

Which leads me to: I haven’t hit a single word goal this year.  Continue reading Crash & Burn

Finding Time

Or maybe not so much an exercise in finding time as finding mental energy.

My God, toddlers are so much work. I took the kid to the zoo today. We live in Salt Lake City and we’ve had the worst air in the nation. It’s a valley and the nasty air just gets stuck in this soup bowl of shit. It’s so awful. The air cleared up, it was a gorgeous, warm day and we were out in the zoo.

Well, she crashed hard from our zoo adventures. She walks the whole way most of the time. Up and down the hill, back and forth, “Momma momma momma! Come look!” She fell asleep quick. And instead of writing. Instead of being productive, I start half-assing a quickie revision of The Reluctant Veterinarian for my friend as a cheer up present (Hi Heather!) and eating Double Salt Licorice from the Dutch Store (Hi Grampa!).

I knew there would be tradeoffs having a kid. I knew I was going to put so much of everything into her. I knew I’d be up all night. I knew I’d cry. I knew I’d get mad. I didn’t know she was going to zombie pounce on my brains and steal them all.

And I mean, it’s not like what I’m doing is so important. It’s not saving the world, it’s not curing people. But at the same time, the pleasure from reading is far reaching. It’s pleasant to read at the time and pondering on it later is equally pleasant. The pleasure from writing as well, at least for me.

I don’t kow. I’m all rambly tonight. I had to get these little thoughts out from my head. But it comes down to resources, ultimately. Where am I going to focus? I only have so much brain. I know my stories will keep chugging away in my head, until I have the time to write it down and let it come out. But I know my little will only be little for so long. If I put her off, well, she’ll keep chugging too and I can’t just come back to her later. So, I suppose, for now I’ll go to bed with manuscripts under my pillow and days full of the zoo and tea parties and Barbie and My Little Pony to come.

How have you managed to wear all your hats? I don’t know how JK Rowling did it, because even with the hubs home, it feels nearly impossible.