Fifty Shades of Holy Crap!

I have avoided the Fifty Shades series all this time. I think some of it is due to my inner hipster, avoiding all things hot and trendy. Some of it, I’d heard the writing was terrible and who would want to subject themselves to that? But, I have finally taken the plunge and here is my report.

Well, as was expected, the writing was terrible. It did exceed my expectations. She reused so many phrases again and again.

Here is a short list of the delights:
* Jeez: 81
* Wow: 38
* Holy crap!: 39
* Holy cow: 19

These are just the things that are easy to search. There are many instances of her rolling her eyes and biting her lip and trying to deal with her unruly, disappointing hair. It got really old, really fast. Her hair was the most annoying character in the story.

Their sex was ok. I mean, it wasn’t the kinky magical extravaganza I was expecting. Let’s face it, despite all my thoughts to the contrary, I’m a housewife with a toddler and that’s pretty vanilla. I was expecting more crazy. Not squeamish “Oh holy crap, no, not butt plugs!” namby pamby chickenshit lady. I read romance novels to be taken away somewhere new, not some namby pamby chickenshit denying me a visit to BDSM Red Room of Pain freak show.

My one other big complaint is that the book read like bullet points. And yes, the book is written in the present tense, that’s not me having fun with verb tenses.

*He says something possessive or creepy or asks about her eating habits
*She rolls her eyes
*He scolds her
*Her innards quiver
*Sex

Further, I imagine a case of cholera to feel how she describes arousal. The clenching and melting and unfurling and whatnot. This isn’t a complaint so much as a source of continual amusement throughout the book.

I was entertained. Granted, it wasn’t the story itself doing all of that entertaining and I laughed quite a bit. But, I still bought book two and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

I award this book:
3 peals of laughter
1 instance of set the book down and walk away in bemused disgust
1 raging cholera epidemic
and 2 cases of the vapors

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